As I approach the one year mark, I re-read my own blog. My blog is absolutely pitiful. Specifically, exactly how many times could I have told you I hate needles???!!
I am the whining queen!
Other than that, I’m surprised at the stuff I’ve managed to forget and sometimes the naivite I showed.
My oncologist called me tonight just to tell me that my bloodwork is clear.
Hip hip hooray!
After a night of no sleep and too much thinking, today’s appointment with my oncologist was definitely one of those moments that I wish I didn’t have.
I had a crying meltdown with my oncologist. He asked how I was and I said, “Scared.” and it went downhill from there.
These appointments are no longer about treatments, they’re about seeing if I have any metastases.
My onc was warm, empathetic and now wants me to go to counselling. I have one meltdown in front of him and he thinks I need counselling.
I told him I thought I was coping well, and he said that I have been, but in his opinion (and probably true), everything I have been through to-date has been about treatments, one appointment after another, surgery and recovery. Now I’m at the “what now?” stage. (And apparently I’m responding as any normal person would. Now I get “normal”!!)
I admit that while I am living my life, I’m still doing some hand-wringing and worrying about things that are so beyond my control that it’s a disservice to myself.
But in response to my concern for indigestion (yes, it’s back), he’s running a complete bloodwork on me, including tumour markers. I see him again in about 4 weeks.
I think I will go to my GP and see about anxiety drugs. I don’t know about the counselling. But since there is a referral there, I will likely go for one session.
There’s a part of me that just wants this all to go away. And the other part of me knows that it never will.
Some days are definitely harder than others. This is one of them.
Long overdue, I know.
The abscess has cleared, the wound closed but still healing.
I’ve had more hot flashes than I care to count, but they’re still mild and for that I’m grateful.
On Monday I see my surgeon for a “final” exam and hopefully release from her care. She’ll do a full exam, kinda like having my last PAP I think, without the swab!
On Tuesday I see my oncologist. I’m only just beginning to realize the down side to my appointments with my oncologist now. Knowing that there is an appointment starts me thinking too much, feeling symptoms where all may be well ~ in other words, going into hyperdrive with stress and anxiety because of upcoming appointments. Seeing my onc now equates with confirming I’m still clear. And what if I’m not? Do I have the same courage as the people I admire?
Victoria is definitely having some wild weather.
Yes, this snow did fall today. And, as usual, dependant on where you live, some got more, some got flakes and nothing staying….it’s just so weird.
Update added – 22 April 2008
What I didn’t mention previously is that Vince and I went exploring a little – for a drive. We were in the Highlands (one of the small municipalities usually lumped in as “Victoria”) and on a road when we came to a fork in the road. We had two choices really. Turn around or go left. The left one was interesting to say the least. Signs posted were: “Two lane traffic, one lane road” and “Local traffic only”.
It was a white-knuckled adventure for Gayle and an adrenaline rush for Vince. It was steep in places, twisty with blind curves, barely room to pass in more than one spot and was slippery. The melting snow pummelled the van at times and I jumped when the snow hit.
All in all, it was an adventure!
Last week I watched a Primetime interview of Randy Pausch by Diane Sawyer.
I have found a new hero in Randy Pausch.
This man has become a bit of a phenomenon thanks to Oprah and Diane, but also in part due to himself. He’s got terminal cancer and believes in taking each day as it comes and living it. Well, there’s more to it than that.
He came to the media’s attention because he gave a “Last Lecture” – google it, you’ll find a better explanation there. And the link I’ve included here is to see the lecture he gave.
I have also purchased his book, which expands upon the lecture.
What can I say except “inspirational”.
So my surgeon confirmed a small abscess today and lanced it. Ow ow ow ow ow. OUCH!!!
But, on the good news side, it’s small, no hospitalization and she thinks it should be well on its way to healing now that there has been drainage. Mind, I go back to see her next Monday.
Well, if we look at the “only Gayle (me)” syndrome, wouldn’t you say I’m right on schedule??
Unfrakking believable. I have an infection at the incision site.
Right now I am on oral antibiotics but face hospitalization for IV antibiotics if this doesn’t work.
Honestly, how these things happen to me is beyond my comprehension.