crazy making

Last fall I wrote about my meltdown while waiting for test results (in relieved). Things have and have not improved. On the have not side of things, reports are now available to the oncologist in about a week (used to be within two or three days). I honestly haven’t inquired why directly, but based on what I’m hearing, there are staff shortages as well as staff vacations and other leave impacting delivery of services. I’m pretty sure pandemic fatigue is contributing to other leave. One thing I did learn is that if there is anything negative in the report it will be flagged for the ordering physician (oncologist) when it is sent to them.

On the have side of things, it used to be that reports would not be posted online for 15 business days – which allowed time for the oncologist to actually speak with me before the report was published. I’ve since discovered that the reports are available online to me now within 10 days of the scan being done. Additionally the interval between test and oncologist appointment has decreased. It’s still not perfect in my opinion, and all I can keep doing is advocating for myself…and hopefully pay it forward so another person doesn’t have to go through what I am/have.

And this is where the crazy making comes into play. I can actually see the report now before my oncologist appointment. The question is, should I check? On one hand, it will take care of the immediate anxiety. But on the other hand, if there is growth or other changes being reported, I’ve now increased my anxiety a thousand fold because I can’t ask questions of my oncologist (what does this mean for treatment, etc.) And then I will be in a very heightened state, won’t I?

So, do I take a chance and check and give immediate relief to me, Vince and others? Or will that chance backfire on me and make me go off the deep end?

See? It’s a very real catch-22.

Live. Laugh. Thrive.

I’d like very much to bring to your attention the image used for this blog post. It’s the very first watercolour done by my friend, Cheryl. She would point out its flaws to you (as in, what she could have done better). I love it as it is.

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