down time

I’m going through a down time right now. It’s kind of hard to articulate, but if I’m going to share on this blog, it should be everything, right?

I hate the uncertainty. My prognosis is uncertain until all this chemotherapy, radiation and surgery is done. Only then can I get a better understanding of this. Yes, I’m lucky it’s locally advanced. Yes, I’m apparently responding to chemo. But it doesnt’ tell me where I’ll be in 6 months.

I hate the journey. I hate that it’s taking so long. The only way to get through it is to go by each milestone, i.e. 7 chemo down, 3 herceptin down, etc. Mark it by stages.

I’m so scared that I can’t really say it aloud or often for fear of breaking down into tears. Even if that is my right.

And I miss my mom. I wish she could be here to support me through this. Not only that, Christmas was her favourite time of year. And so I’m missing her all the more heading into the holiday.

There it is. Soul bared.



1 thought on “down time

  1. I know it doesn’t help, but know your mom is there for you. She’s there whenever you look in the mirror, staring back at you through your eyes. You’ve stayed strong this long baby, don’t lose it now.
    Know that there are people surrounding you for whatever you need us…to hold, to hug, to support, to listen, to hear and sometimes just to be around. Don’t ever forget that you are loved.
    Stay strong!

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