Some times you just don’t know how things affect you until you have time to sit down and think.
I didn’t have time to react when I was first diagnosed and treatment started. Everything just moved along so fast. And this is where I believe people have thought me positive. I don’t see myself as having been positive during my treatments, but rather not thinking at all. I went with the flow because surviving was more important than thinking.
And it’s not that I’m “dwelling” now or purposely trying to think anything less than positive thoughts, but I must say that every morning I wake up and do an inventory of aches, pains and life. When I’m convinced that the aches and pains are just age and me, in general, I get up and go shower.
Every day cancer is on my mind. It’s the first thing I think of as I wake up. It’s the last thing I think of as I fall asleep.
Every ache and pain is a worry that it is a sign of reoccurrence.
Right now I’m taking each day as it comes, counting it as a blessing. I don’t look much beyond the end of the day because I’m scared to do so.
I know that’s a normal reaction for right now. In a couple of the online forums I subscribe to, I’ve found some ease in learning that ”being afraid” is the next step in the process of healing and recovery.
Great. Now I follow the norm!!
What’s important is that I’m still laughing and I’m still moving forward.