freaked

After a night of no sleep and too much thinking, today’s appointment with my oncologist was definitely one of those moments that I wish I didn’t have.

I had a crying meltdown with my oncologist. He asked how I was and I said, “Scared.” and it went downhill from there.

These appointments are no longer about treatments, they’re about seeing if I have any metastases.

My onc was warm, empathetic and now wants me to go to counselling.  I have one meltdown in front of him and he thinks I need counselling. 

I told him I thought I was coping well, and he said that I have been, but in his opinion (and probably true), everything I have been through to-date has been about treatments, one appointment after another, surgery and recovery. Now I’m at the “what now?” stage.  (And apparently I’m responding as any normal person would. Now I get “normal”!!)

I admit that while I am living my life, I’m still doing some hand-wringing and worrying about things that are so beyond my control that it’s a disservice to myself.

But in response to my concern for indigestion (yes, it’s back), he’s running a complete bloodwork on me, including tumour markers. I see him again in about 4 weeks.

I think I will go to my GP and see about anxiety drugs. I don’t know about the counselling. But since there is a referral there, I will likely go for one session.

There’s a part of me that just wants this all to go away. And the other part of me knows that it never will.

Some days are definitely harder than others. This is one of them.

_________
namaste

1 thought on “freaked

  1. I think you are well on your way to becoming ‘normal’…
    The thing is your definition of normal now has to include cancer survivor and that’s likely the part that you’re not reconciling in your mind and spirit.
    It’s natural to not know ‘normal’ anymore and to need an objective opinion to help you redefine it. Anxiety meds may help, but I think someone objective who regularly talks to cancer survivors would be a good step too.
    Let’s face it, your case has been anything but ‘normal’, and although we all know the tough cookie you are, it’s ok to ask for help too, and sometimes friends and family are not the ones who can help us most.
    Good luck in your quest, and if you ever need an objective opinion, you know where to find all of us.
    Love you
    KTBS & ABS

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