it’s a pity party

I’m mad, I’m upset, I’m frustrated and I sure as hell am feeling sorry for myself.

Here’s what’s wrong with me—

  • I have Meniere’s disease, which isn’t a disease by the way, but a condition where I have an inner ear problem that leads to no natural balance – nothing can be done about it medically, but it is controlled better by reducing salt and other dietary choices, and it sure explains the lack of coordination as a teen;
  • I have diabetes managed by diet (eating right), insulin and oral medication;
  • I have generative bone disease in my left knee (and likely elsewhere now) – found when I was a teen, and has some inherited basis;
  • I have severe pronation, requiring orthotics but problems now with hips and lower back;
  • I have a straighter upper portion of the s-curve of my spine that puts pressure on my lower back;
  • I have a heart murmur (discovered in my teens) which may require surgery any time in the next 10 to 20 years;
  • I have had cancer – and though I am past treatment for the cancer, I do have little gifts:
    • indigestion that is constant but relieved by daily doses of yogurt;
    • nerve damage in my feet – last 3 toes of each foot and outer edges of the feet, which also contributes to the balance instability I suffer from;
    • nerve damage to the index finger of my left hand;
    • my sleep disorder has been made worse in that it is by far more frequent and the waking periods are longer in duration – to be fair, I should note that since chemo I do sleep deeper than I used to, not waking with the unfortunate ease I once did;
    • and finally the development of lymphedema , fortunately well-controlled by compression garments, and though cancer specialists say spontaneous reversal is possible, it is also unlikely;
  • I suffer from claustrophobia;
  • I suffer from an anxiety disorder that can disable me so badly that I am reluctant to leave the apartment or freak out if I have to drive anywhere – it’s better than it used to be now that I am on medication;
  • I am FAT – weight loss is desired by me, my endocrinologist and my doctor – if I could lose weight, I would be better able to manage my diabetes, manage my lower back problems and likely feel much better about myself but I have trouble with weight loss because (1) I’m diabetic, (2) it’s painful to move, (3) I’m on a drug that causes weight retention (but if I don’t take this cancer medication, I increase my risk of cancer recurrence), and (4) my balance disorder makes it difficult for me to trust the placement of my feet, and so I’m afraid to move.

I so desperately want to lose weight. I cannot afford a gym membership and I have ONE major criteria of any gym: there MUST be fat people there. I have yet to find a gym that fully meets that criteria. Since I have no money, it’s a non-issue. Right?

I am also a coward. I am inhibited by my pain and by the balance issue.

And now I have frakin’ osteoporosis in my lower spine. Frak. Frak. Frak. Ironically, it explains a lot of the pain lately in my lower back that I had dismissed due to my weight, spinal curve shape and over pronation. My doctor says that we can work on the pain portion; it may be a result of bones not moving properly together.

I hear your question. Is it reversible? It’s treatable, but not curable.

I didn’t think I needed any more challenges. And I sure as hell don’t need to hear the adage: you are only given what you can handle. Bite me. Why should any one person have as much as I do to cope with? Where is the fairness in that?!!

That’s it for me today. I’m cooked. I’m done in. And I’m a mess.

1 thought on “it’s a pity party

  1. But on the sunny side of the street, the medical people you see have diagnosed the issues, and they have offered options for treatment.
    You’re alive and have people who love you to support and help you along your path.
    I know…Bite me!

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