I’m mad, I’m upset, I’m frustrated and I sure as hell am feeling sorry for myself.
Here’s what’s wrong with me—
- I have Meniere’s disease, which isn’t a disease by the way, but a condition where I have an inner ear problem that leads to no natural balance – nothing can be done about it medically, but it is controlled better by reducing salt and other dietary choices, and it sure explains the lack of coordination as a teen;
- I have diabetes managed by diet (eating right), insulin and oral medication;
- I have generative bone disease in my left knee (and likely elsewhere now) – found when I was a teen, and has some inherited basis;
- I have severe pronation, requiring orthotics but problems now with hips and lower back;
- I have a straighter upper portion of the s-curve of my spine that puts pressure on my lower back;
- I have a heart murmur (discovered in my teens) which may require surgery any time in the next 10 to 20 years;
- I have had cancer – and though I am past treatment for the cancer, I do have little gifts:
- indigestion that is constant but relieved by daily doses of yogurt;
- nerve damage in my feet – last 3 toes of each foot and outer edges of the feet, which also contributes to the balance instability I suffer from;
- nerve damage to the index finger of my left hand;
- my sleep disorder has been made worse in that it is by far more frequent and the waking periods are longer in duration – to be fair, I should note that since chemo I do sleep deeper than I used to, not waking with the unfortunate ease I once did;
- and finally the development of lymphedema , fortunately well-controlled by compression garments, and though cancer specialists say spontaneous reversal is possible, it is also unlikely;
- I suffer from claustrophobia;
- I suffer from an anxiety disorder that can disable me so badly that I am reluctant to leave the apartment or freak out if I have to drive anywhere – it’s better than it used to be now that I am on medication;
- I am FAT – weight loss is desired by me, my endocrinologist and my doctor – if I could lose weight, I would be better able to manage my diabetes, manage my lower back problems and likely feel much better about myself but I have trouble with weight loss because (1) I’m diabetic, (2) it’s painful to move, (3) I’m on a drug that causes weight retention (but if I don’t take this cancer medication, I increase my risk of cancer recurrence), and (4) my balance disorder makes it difficult for me to trust the placement of my feet, and so I’m afraid to move.
I so desperately want to lose weight. I cannot afford a gym membership and I have ONE major criteria of any gym: there MUST be fat people there. I have yet to find a gym that fully meets that criteria. Since I have no money, it’s a non-issue. Right?
I am also a coward. I am inhibited by my pain and by the balance issue.
And now I have frakin’ osteoporosis in my lower spine. Frak. Frak. Frak. Ironically, it explains a lot of the pain lately in my lower back that I had dismissed due to my weight, spinal curve shape and over pronation. My doctor says that we can work on the pain portion; it may be a result of bones not moving properly together.
I hear your question. Is it reversible? It’s treatable, but not curable.
I didn’t think I needed any more challenges. And I sure as hell don’t need to hear the adage: you are only given what you can handle. Bite me. Why should any one person have as much as I do to cope with? Where is the fairness in that?!!
That’s it for me today. I’m cooked. I’m done in. And I’m a mess.