i’ve decided (i think)

I’m aware that my name is close to being on the “call” list to set up an appointment with the plastic surgeon ~ an appointment, by the way, that will be months after that phone call is made. Thus, I’ve done a LOT of thinking (and research) about my options as I tried to decide what exactly I do want.

I think I’ve decided.

So here’s what I know. I know that my abscess and resulting scar tissue, the fact I’ve had radiation (reduces elasticity of skin), my diabetes and my obesity all mean it’s incredibly unlikely I can have any reconstruction. But the real clincher? It was not choosing reconstruction at the time of my mastectomy that is the largest factor against reconstruction.

But, if by some small miracle I can have reconstruction, I will go for it. Just on a smaller scale than the 8 lbs I lost.

I certainly wasn’t ready two years ago to decide about reconstruction and I have no regrets about my choice then. I’ve never thought that breasts defined me as a woman, and so I didn’t feel the need to replace them. And yet, if I am to be completely honest, my own negative thinking played a role too. I thought why bother? Why waste the money if I’m not going to be around much longer?

I’ve since realized or had reinforced the thought that you live life for “now”, not “what if’s”. Reaching that realization wasn’t easy.

And, no surprise, I’ve also been motivated by the battle with finding clothing when you don’t have a chest.

I suppose I will be disappointed if it’s not possible. But then again, I have no idea how I’ll react. After all, I didn’t know how I’d react to anything so far and I don’t think I’ve done that poorly.

I have not lost sight of the fact that my main goal in seeing a plastic surgeon is my absolute need to take care of my wings. That will go a long way for my body image alone. The rest is just gravy.