scared

It’s been very easy for me to type about the things going one with me and to me as this battle progressed as very funny. Some of them have been.

As I go through the final hours before reporting to the hospital, my mind is whirling. I’ve come so far in uncertainty and I have to continue that way for years to come. I think it’s a helluva way to make a control-freak to learn to let go. At least that’s one of the rationales I give myself for getting this kind of cancer.

The truth, and it will come as no surprise to anyone, is that I am scared shitless. I’m scared that surgery won’t be the end, that the cancer has already metastacized. I’m scared about losing a part of me that, though I hate to admit it, is a part of how I see myself as well. I don’t know how my self-image will be at the end – suffer or who cares? I’m just plain scared.

I’m not seeing myself as very strong right now, and so I’m counting on you all to boost me up. I know that you’ll all be with me in prayers tomorrow. Thank you.

I have an email distribution list for Vince to send out notice when he is able (for those emails we have). Until I am up to publishing here, you may have to wait some days more for information.

___________
namaste

 

2 thoughts on “scared

  1. The hospital wouldn’t give me any information over the phone because I am not family (yes I probably should have just lied but I get caught too easily). Anyway they said that Gayle is doing Okay. That was all they would say.

  2. You’re going to do great love, and just think, not many others can say they have international prayers and thoughts coming their way, but know that we’re there with you love. If we could be, we’d all be at the hospital, know that and feel the love and support when you check in tomorrow and throughout the next few days.
    We love you and we are praying for you.
    Big Hugs, Warm Squishy thoughts….
    Kati, Andrew, Luke, Kim, Dave, Church at Omagh, Mom, Dad, Marel, the list goes on and on….

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