thinking thinking thinking

The one thing this blog doesn’t do is record what I think as I think it. Small blessing, maybe.

I just want everyone to know that I a fully aware of the seriousness of this disease. I know that I could lose my life. It’s a reality I can’t avoid. But I do find comfort in humour.

I hate nights the most. I’m either awake for a while before falling asleep or I wake at the most ungodly hours and am instantly awake. It’s at those times that the reality thoughts creep in.

I no longer seek knowledge on the Internet – why scare myself even more silly than I already am?

I’m a little tentative tonight as I face my second chemo tomorrow. You have no idea how scared I am to go in. I HATE that needle. Once was more than enough to cement that thought into my head.

I expressed my apprehensions to my oncologist. He knows and stated that before the end of chemo rotation, I will have to have a pick line (or port site) put in, but he’s loathe to do so now. Why add one more risk for infection before we have to? I’m sure, given enough time, I could find MANY reasons for now as opposed to later. I hate leaving choices in the “expert’s” opinion. 

Maybe I’m just ranting for the sake of saying, “wah”. Maybe I’m just ranting at the lack of control.